Related Quotes

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one the things that women have is men.

I never wanted to weigh more heavily on a man than a bird.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

All I do, really, is go to work and try to be professional, be on time and be prepared.

Now, therefore, the Directors of the company are hereby ordered to see that precautions are taken to make travel on said railroad perfectly safe by using a screw with at least twenty-four inches diameter.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.

People do not retire. They are retired by others.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.

An ass may bray a good while before he shakes the stars down.

Although I get so much fan mail from Great Britain, tell me, am I more famous there than Michael Madsen?

From the stage I’ve seen people of all ages absolutely roaring at really good toilet humour.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

I’ve always joked about Joe Montana not appreciating his Super Bowls nearly as much as I do because he never lost one. We lost three before we got one.

There are only two styles of portrait painting; the serious and the smirk.

I refused David Letterman’s proposal of marriage for obvious reasons, but thanks for asking.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

Love and work… work and love, that’s all there is.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Fellow made me a $10 bet I couldn’t quit, and I haven’t had a drink since. At the time I needed the $10.